Falcon Regiment Slave Handbook
by Kairii O.C
Summary: Guide to knowing all about our marching band. Notes Cookie Mosnter The band director's six year old daughter Who everyone thought was ten when we first saw her. North Davidson The last competition before BOA and other national championships.


**A/N: **This list was done in conjunction with Etsuko Nino, who, like me, is a member of this band class. All of these events are real, but names may have been changed for your protection.

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71st Regiment Slave Handbook

**Lesson 1- The Directors:**

The Band Director shall be a _bitch_.

The assistant band director will know **jack**.

The assistant band director will be the **wife** of the band director.

The band director will master the _art of monologue_.

The band director will be afraid of black people.

The band director will work at a school where a majority of students is black.

The band director will give lame music only because he is afraid of getting the crowds worked up.

The assistant band director will be a **bitch**.

Even when you're losing blood and about to pass out from overheating, the assistant band director will still be a bitch.

**Lesson 2- The Band**

Flutes and pix forever!

Clarinets are cool too.

Saxophones are cool…

Brass needs to learn to march!

Percussion will be silenced by the band director.

But they don't listen anyways…

Band always scores major points because of woodwind solos.

Trombones apparently don't have solos, but they do have trios…

Too bad we only have 2 trombones…

Not like we can hear them anyways…

There's a band _idiot_ for every section.

While it's _required_ to attend MB camp during the summer, you can't lose points until the school year starts.

You will have practice on the first day of school!

**Lesson 3- The people:**

Cookie Monster can't dance.

Cookie Monster needs to be kept away from the snack stands at all costs.

Drum majors will go mad with power. POWER TRIP.

Leaders will have some sort of superiority complex.

The ultimate saxophone prodigy will be the most immature kid in the band.

It's amazing how the laziest, most worthless, whiney, worse, most pathetic marchers make it through the year despite the fact they do nothing.

Hey, I've done nothing all year because I've been sick (LIES), but now that you're going on an awesome field trip, I'm better. Can I go?

Despite the fact you have no right to go with the rest of us hard workers, the director will be a bitch and let you go anyways.

**Lesson 4- Band Camp**

Will start at 6:50 AM and end at noon.

Its 90 degrees outside, humidity makes it feel 10 degrees hotter and the fact you're practicing on asphalt makes things feel five degrees more hotter.

You will not be allowed to practice on the football field. It's _Holy Land_.

So you'll practice on the student parking lot instead.

Everyone is either labeled: Nice or Bitch.

**Lesson 5- Football Games**

You'll have 2 hours to sit and do nothing after school.

So to kill time, you cross the street and go to pizza hut/ McDonalds.

Where you eventually get kicked out for making a scene.

And then if you still have time, go home with a student that lives in the neighborhoods around the school.

The t-shirt lets you skip lines at concession stands.

You get special privileges.

You'll get jumped if you're not on your side of the field/stands.

You will have to go to the bathroom in groups because you don't want to get stabbed like the last girl, right?

No matter when _that_ football game is held, it will _always_ rain.

You'll play retarded stand music.

The _other_ band will play recent music.

The _other_ band will have some awesome routine march thing.

You'll just march in a straight line and _exist_ there

**Lesson 6- Contests**

Your Saturdays now belong to the band.

No matter how hard you try, you always end up hearing the "you suck" speech.

So you practice harder.

And then listen to the "you suck, you can't do anything, we're gonna lose because of you, so and so High is better then us," speech.

You get there and you win trophies anyways.

And STILL hear the "you suck" speech.

As you retrieve trophies and cheer when you win, you moan…

Because cookie monster is _trying_ to dance on the field.

Stupid idiot. Don't you wanna kill her?

There's always a retarded judge.

And that retarded judge pops up at every contest after that.

The trumpet section will suck so bad, the music judge will compliment about how the trumpets aren't marching in a straight line.

Lalalalalalaaa Its 30 flipping degrees outside. I can't feel my fingers. I have icicles forming inside my instrument…

But hey!

We're still playing!

Does anyone have an extra quarter so I can buy hot chocolate?

ATTENTION FRESHMEN: Knowing that your next spot is near the oil spot on the faded parking lot markings won't work in this situation.

**Lesson 7- "The Big Trip"**

You've worked so hard to get here… You're going on "The Big Trip"

It's the trip of the year. Be happy!

It's amazing… How the marcher that always had issues suddenly feels better the week of the trip and still expects to go.

You play at the last contest of the year… And you're second only to the other band.

After that… You go to the hotel and change.

And you go shopping!

Three things you don't buy: Whiskey, drugs, and condoms.

The newest asian flute brings ramen in a cup.

And the asian sax copies her.

And the asian flute gets mad.

So the asian flute doesn't share her chopsticks.

Then the Korean flute gets high off of Chinese food.

And has to be carried up the stairs by the asian sax.

Suffering from "Maniacal Laughter Syndrome."

**Lesson 8- The Drum Majors…**

One exercises too much power…

The other does nothing at all.

One bitches and screams to get off her field…

The other asks… "Is it chicken, or is it fish?"

One got in after kissing up…

The other got in because their DNA matched.

One conducts four-four time as 6-8…

The other conducts 12-69 time when it's really cut time.

Both are always fighting…

And one makes the other cry at a football game.

She needs support and comfort…

But he's too busy hiding in his office listening to renditions of the "RENT" soundtrack.

**Lesson 9- The Guard…**

Preferably (and affectionately) called "The Drama Squad"

All of them dated at least one guy from the drumline…

While the others and a few clarinets fought over the last remaining bass drum.

When put into parade block…

We wish they were still turning flags.

But they're always there for you…

To help beat up a cheating ex-boyfriend.

**Lesson 10- The Drumline…**

Love running over innocent little flutes.

Loved to play complex rhythms…

But couldn't play anything on paper…

The only people that didn't pay fair share…

But always complained how we didn't go on any long trips.

Was supposed to be the most silent section in band…

But they turned out to be the loudest…

And most obnoxious…

And most outspoken…

Did I say obnoxious…?

Were masters at the art of playing cards

**Lesson 11- Things Freshmen Should Know…**

Don't worry… everyone already hated you before you stepped foot in the door.

But be happy…

Be content at being the inferior, incompetent species in our marching band.

Don't develop crushes on the Asian Noodle, because:

One, he already has six... no wait, seven girlfriends.

Two, he's a power hungry captain…

Three, he'll always be inferior to the immature Sax prodigy.

And finally,

Four, he's not that great anyway.

Always remember… No matter how much you try…

You'll never be as good as the upperclassmen…

Even if you're ten points ahead of them…

What's ten points anyway?

Bass Drums exist to run you over.

No matter what… you suck.

Period.

Don't march too close to the upperclassmen, because they'll gladly clean your clock.

And get points for it.

Any runs attempted during band season won't be successfully played until after band season ends.

After a week, the "I'm new to this" excuse doesn't work.

That lady that keeps walking into the classroom… she's the band director's _other _wife.

And the lady next door is his psychopathic stalker.

Until you learn how to do a backwards jazz run at a 5 to 8 step at 380 bpm, no onewill notice you.

Don't depend on landmarks. (Ex: Twig near the oil spot on the 45 yard line) They'll either (a) blow away, or (b) are non existent at band contests.

Lining up to people is _way _better.

**Lesson 12- Excuses That Do Not Work**

"I'm new."

"I had to attend a funeral."

"I gotta go to the bathroom."

"My alarm clock didn't go off."

"Hurricane Ophelia is coming!"

"I was just decapitated."

"I'm just learning this instrument."

"I have severe bronchial asthma."

"The contents of my brain are spilling out of my nose." (A.K.A nosebleed)

"I just got hit in the head by the bass drum and I can't remember my name."

"My instrument's in the shop."

"I don't have any marching shoes/gloves/socks/etc."

"Crap! We need our uniform!"

"I'm a freshman."

"I'm a senior."

"I had to appear in court."

**Lesson 13- Excuses That _Do _Work**

153."I'm your saxophone prodigy!"

154. "I'm on my cycle."

155."My dad controls you."

156."We've marched for five hours straight."

157."My mom can get you fired."

158.Ultimate worshipping of the band director and/or his counterparts.

159.Threatening to quit the band (especially if you're vital to the band).

**Lesson 14- Bus Rides**

Don't put a broom on the bus rack; it will ultimately meet its doom by flying out a window and splattering its guts on a guy's windshield.

Don't **_EVER_** sit by a chaperone. Ever.

Never put your hatboxes on the racks if someone other than Mr. Atkins is driving the bus…

Or risk developing amnesia from a concussion caused by that same hatbox.

People sitting beside you are excellent pillows.

But make sure they aren't dating anyone…

Including yourself…

If you're gonna sit co-ed, PLEASE don't make your make-out session too obvious.

Your goal in life--- Never get on the bus with the Booster Club president…

Because you'll be punished for joking with a captain…

And spend 15 more minutes after you arrive at school looking for a Sharpie at 1:00 in the morning.

McDonald's is your best friend.

If a certain Booster Club member is riding in the bus…

Please expect to stop at a buffet restaurant for lunch.

Only expect to get the luxury of riding in a charter bus once a year.

When a test for the bus safety rules are orally issued, pretend you're sleep.

Bus rides are the best place to learn about gossip and drama from last year.

**Study and Review- You Know You're a Band Geek When…**

You know more about band than the director does.

When someone is singing, you can tell if they're sharp or flat.

You notice that an actor 300 feet away is holding a trumpet upside down.

You find yourself marching to class…

And you always start walking on your left foot…

And you find yourself humming last year's show.

Before you know it, the whole band is humming.

You sing more in tune than the chorus kids.

Things that seemed so hard in middle school are a piece of cake in high school.

You travel on band trips, you pack a blanket, $5 for hot chocolate, water bottle, extra gloves, shoe cleaner, scissors, and random snacks if you're broke.

You have no personal life from August to January…

And you don't care.

All your instruments have names.

Your binder is covered with pics of other band geeks.

When one person in band wins an award, the whole band takes up half the auditorium and is the loudest ones in the room.

You win the Spirit Award. (Ooh! Ash!)

When someone asks what North Davidson is, you look at them like they're crazy.

When you look at another band's marching band shirt, you realize that your band played that same show X amount of years ago.

You memorized every school in your county's cadences.

When you hum the cadence, you find yourself marking time.

You started out with just 10 facts…

Then 71…

You're on a roll with 101…

But you end up with 200+ (Yahoo!)

**Final Exam- The Falcon Regiment Code:**

Feet... **Together!**

Stomach… **In!**

Chest…… **Out!**

Shoulders…**Back!**

El-bows… **Fro-zen!**

Chin….**Up!**

Eyes!**With Pride!**

Eyes!**With Pride!**

I said Eyes!**WITH PRIDE!**

**Bonus Fun- Famous Quotes:**

Jessica: -to Davis- 'You're a teacher, right?'

Deena: Hoggarts Highschool? Hogwarts? FRED! GEORGE!

Gloria: What? You--! Get it right! I'll jack you up!

Davis: All the pimps in the hood...drop it like its hott...

Marco: Ah! Gloria! Play a B flat so I can tune!  
Josh: Ah... everyone wants their own little Asian. **B**

Jessica: Brit-Brit! You're crazy, right? Do ya know the chicken dance?  
Brit-brit: O Of course! -dance-

Jessica: -to Josh- You're asian...so...you'll be... NOODLE for now on! You're name will be Noodle! And Noodle will by your name! Come here little Noodle. Come here little Noodle.  
"Noodle": That's not my name!  
Jessica: Spicy noodle...

Gloria: Ahahahahaha! ...teehehehehehehe! Ahahahaha!  
"Noodle": Help me carry this asian, she's on something-.-  
Gloria: AHAHAHA! Hahahahahahah… -breathes- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sandra (chaperone): Now. When you guys are at the mall, what are 3 things you cannot buy?  
Jessica: Illegal drugs! Whisky! And Condoms!

Brittany (To Freshman on their First day of Band camp): "Can you march? I mean, how hard is it to do a left slide backwards jazz run at a 10 to five step?"

Marco: "Gloria! Play your C! I need to tune!"  
Davis: "You know you can't have your own personal Asian at auditions, right?  
Marco: "So what if I can't have her at auditions, I'll put her in my pocket!"

Davis: "Where the hood at?"

Regiment Slave


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